Pretending
by arualms
Summary: After The Distance, Ryan tries to figure out what to tell the Cohens. Contemplative oneshot missing scene.


Disclaimer: Yes, of course I own them. Because I just love it when people have hundreds of issues that are never addressed. Also, I am an alien.

AN: I hit kind of a rough patch in my other fic (after only 3 chapters, it's depressing) and decided to take a break from season two originated problems and deal with the ones left over from season one. Some of this might / will come up in "dealing", too, but still- I kind of wanted to understand why none of this was ever discussed. In the end, it turned into a missing scene for The Distance.

AN2: As always, every comment and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Seth wants to ask. Ryan knows he does. No matter what happened over the summer, no matter how he changed in Portland, he is still Seth. And talking is as essential to him as breathing. So now that they are back, sitting in the pool house again, he can see it in his eyes. The need to inquire, discuss, analyse, talk every aspect through. But he does not want to talk. He has no idea what he would say.

How could he ever explain what it was like to live for someone else, someone depending on you for everything, someone you would spend the rest of your live protecting?

Ryan had known the minute that Theresa told him she was pregnant that he would come with her no matter what. It had taken him some time to say it out loud, but he had known right then and there. Because Theresa, no matter the state of their romantic relationship, was family. Had been for years, long before he ever met the Cohens. That made her baby family, too. Whether or not he was the father was insignificant. You stick with your family.

And you love family, no matter what. He had learned that pretty early on. Because he had needed to love someone, and back then his family had been the only option. He was not stupid, he knew that many of the things they did were wrong.

Even 8 years old, he understood perfectly well that dad was not supposed to slap mom so hard that she started to cry.

At 9, he had known that if the police was taking dad away, he must have done something wrong.

When he turned 10, no one had to tell him that his mom should have bought him a present instead of a new bottle for herself.

Trey was his big brother, but he still realized that he was not supposed to talk him into smoking. It was not healthy, definitely not for an 11 year old. So he was never so naïve as to believe that his family was perfect. But he needed to love someone, and they had been there.

When he was 12, they moved to a different part of Chino and he met Theresa. She was his first real friend, the first person who was nice to him simply because she wanted to. He loved her for it and she became family.

He never knew it was possible to love someone you had not even met yet. When he realized he did, when he realized that the baby was family and you love family and that therefore he loved the baby already, he had been almost unable to breath for a good half hour. It was probably the scariest thing that ever happened to him. And at the same time, it became his driving force. Yes, he wanted to help Theresa, because she was still family, always would be, but it paled in comparison. He loved the baby, and he would make sure it got the live it deserved.

How can he explain to Seth what it was like to lose someone you loved that much, when he can not even find a way to express how much he loved the baby to begin with?

How could Seth ever understand what it was like to hear Theresa tell him that he should not come back?

To Seth, she is the bad girl, the one who took Ryan away from him. Seth does not know that everything Ryan did over the summer did not even come close to repaying her for everything she had ever done.

Ryan is not naïve; he knows that she is far from perfect. She knew exactly which strings to pull to make him come back. Just because she never said that the baby was most likely Eddies does not mean that Ryan did not know. Just because he never asked her to stay in Newport with him does not mean he would not have liked her to offer. She is far from perfect and Ryan knows.

But he also knows that nobody is. He never expected her to be. The only thing he ever allowed himself to expect from her was to be family. She had never let him down.

She allowed him to climb in through her window and crawl into her bed in the middle of the night, never asking for an explanation. She would simply throw back the blanked, wait for him to lie down and drape his arm around her, careful not to touch his bruises.

She taught him how to forge his mother's signature on the report card when he was afraid to disturb her and cause another scene. The neighbours were already complaining enough as it was. Theresa understood that they did not want social service to suddenly turn up on their doorstep.

At Christmas, Theresa simply told her mother that they would need an additional plate. Before he could protest that he did not want to intrude, Eva had already put it on the table, between Turo´s and her own. Theresa had not only become family, she had invited Ryan to become a part of her own.

When the Cohens had taken Ryan in, he had been astounded that they were willing to let a complete stranger into their home and family. It had been impossible for him to comprehend that something like that would happen to him twice. God knew he had not done anything to deserve it.

The only thing Ryan had ever allowed himself to expect from her was to be family. She had never let him down. But now Theresa did not want him to come back. And just like that, he had lost a whole family. The baby, Theresa, but her mother and Turo as well. Theresa had been the one to invite him in, she could kick him out.

How was he supposed to make Seth understand what that felt like, without revealing his fear that the Cohens, the last family he still had, might do the same?

How could Seth even understand what it was like to be abandoned by your family?

He was the one who had taken of in his stupid boat, purposely leaving Sandy and Kirsten behind. The thought that Seth has it in him to act like that, to be like Dawn, is too painful to bear. So instead of thinking about it, he pushes the thought away. He sure as hell has a lot of practice. He will have to resort to that tried technique quite a lot, it seems. Because Seth would not understand any of this, and neither would Sandy or Kirsten. Not really. He does not want them to pretend they do.

So he decides to ignore the need for serious conversation that he can see in Seth´s eyes and decides to appease the other need that is radiating off of him in waves. The need to forget, to move on, to not look back, to pretend it never happened. This is a need he can relate to, one that he understands completely and feels himself. Sandy and Kirsten will feel it to. They can all pretend together.


End file.
